FIMBY

I had plans. Big plans. I had diagrams, spreadsheets and labeled photos. Sigh....

Some things just aren't meant to be. Like me harvesting broccoli from my raised bed in November. I took this photo the end of October. There will be no fresh homegrown broccoli for Thanksgiving.

I love the idea of homesteading. Growing your own, making your own, clearing land to plant stuff. Even if it's just a patch of dirt in your backyard. I am not an honest-to-goodness homesteader, nor am I trying to be. But I do have a home on a small city lot. And we're in the long, slow process of transforming this little house and piece of land into an urban oasis of sustainable family living. Of course that includes gardening.

I have grand delusions ideas of growing our own food. After all if this family in California can do it than of course so can our family living in Maine. Ha!

I suppose if I really "set my mind to it" we could grow more than tomatoes, a bucketful of carrots and a jar of beans from our backyard. But as I discovered this past season, growing food takes a lot of time and space. You can manage with less space if you have more time because you can rotate crops and such. However, I seem to be short on both during this season of my life. I'm finding contentment with a conclusion I made the end of this summer. I'd rather buy from local farmers than grow my own, at least for this period of my life.

Flower gardening, now that is something I could never give up. Flowers yield such beauty, not to mention fragrance and attract lovely butterflies and bees. As I learned this summer, vegetables seem to only attract pests, and I have no patience (finding organic solutions that work takes time and effort) for dealing with them.

Autumn Sedum

I need to dig in dirt at least a couple hours each week. But that's all I've got to give right now and it's simply not enough for flowers and food. So I'll choose flowers.

Of course I still plan to plant tomatoes because late summer isn't worth living without homegrown tomatoes. But next year I'm scaling back my expectations. Tomatoes, a few peas, maybe some carrots, some basil, spring spinach and lettuce in the raised bed.

Oh yikes, this is going to be harder than I thought.

Late October Sunflower Corn Bed

I am totally overwhelmed. I'm posting today because I need to take time to write out my "anxiousness" (I always feel better after writing) and so that I can look back on this post in a couple weeks and say "whew, I'm glad I'm not in that space anymore".

Self portrait : taken on walk in Edmonton's river valley

Let's see, I'm two hours behind (the kids & I finished lunch at 3pm) totally jet lagged from our 24 hour journey home. My back aches from trying to sleep on the plane and generally all that sitting around. My youngest child is going through sugar withdrawal and is very unhappy about life. The contents of my fridge are limited to beets, a spaghetti squash and carrots. The kids, who have been watching way too much tv for the last 2 weeks, are rediscovering their creative genius and making a large mess in the process. I have a group buying club order to put together before tomorrow morning. The trip laundry is overflowing in my kitchen awaiting a sunny day for washing and drying outside. And everywhere I look I see another project (kitchen renovations, broken bookcase shelves, dirty curtains) that needs to be done and hasn't been touched for weeks.

And to top it off (most likely this is the root of my discontent) I am out of touch with my usual spiritual practices and seasonal routines. We were only gone two weeks but I feel like I've been gone for a month. I guess we kind of were when you take into account our September visit with family, Common Ground camping trip, and preparations for this trip.

I miss my prayer journal, shared meals with friends and giving to people in need. I miss being at the farm, working in the garden, the New England countryside in fall. I miss the relationships and rhythms that sustain me and keep me grounded. Hope to return to these very soon, kind of imperative that I do.

Alberta Cattails

Since starting my fall school schedule 2 weeks ago I've managed to follow it for exactly 1.75 days, or something like that. Life happened instead. Family came to visit. We took a day field trip to the state museum to learn about bugs, one my son's many favorite topics. We went camping.

In my defense I have managed to do a little math with Celine almost every week day. But this is only because Damien sets aside time each evening to teach the youngin's to read so his motivation is keeping me on track with Celine's math.

This morning as I helped the kids hang 3 loads of post-camping laundry on the line (instead of handwriting practice) my mind started to wander down the path of homeschool guilt. So much so I even resorted to a quick quiz.

Mommy: "What's the capital of the United States?"

Brienne: "Canada?"
Celine: "New York"

Uh, oh. Let's try something else.

Mommy: "What's the Declaration of Independence?"

Brienne and Laurent: "huh???"
Celine: "The document that declares the United States independence from England".

Whew. Although quite honestly I don't even know the technical definition for the Declaration of Independence, we've never studied it. Don't ask me how Celine knows what it is. I know a bunch of famous "founding fathers" signed it. But Celine's definition sounds good to me.

I quickly left the land of homeschooling guilt because I won't let myself dwell there very long. I'm also fairly good at counteracting "my kids aren't learning _____" with "but my kids are learning ______". For instance:

• I never did follow through on my intentions to study classical music last year with the kids. But my kids can name their favorite local musicians and truly appreciate Scottish, Irish and Cape Breton music. The more fiddles the better. Gosh, I wonder where they picked up this appreciation. (hint: their daddy tastes tend to British pop)
• In spite of free & easy remote library access to Rosetta Stone, my kids are not "picking up" French. But Laurent would like to learn Gaelic.
• My kids don't know their multiplication tables (I don't know my multiplication tables). But Celine can take a recipe with whole numbers and fractions and quadruple it for making supper.
• Celine doesn't know how to spell "hello", she had to ask me this morning while she was making up her own language. But later this same morning she told Laurent he shouldn't call his make believe fish/dragon a flagon because a flagon is a cup (technically it's more like a large flask but she's got the right idea).
• My kids don't have the first idea of how to prepare for a test. But they know how to make flour from an acorn, go to the bathroom in the woods, and identify caterpillars using a guide book.
• My second grader can't easily recognize his letters and numbers. But his kindergarten aged sister is helping him along and he sees no problem with that because in our house there is no shame in learning at your own pace.

I'm hoping one of these days to "get back on schedule" ha, ha. In the meantime I guess we'll keep on identifying the bugs in our backyard, appreciating local folk music and cranking up those fiddle tunes, reading medieval era novels, finding out what we can eat in the woods, listening to the crickets as we camp out under the stars, cooking supper and hanging laundry together.

morning Masterwort

Monday was difficult. Here's the run down, I:

• spent a fair amount of time bawling my eyes out, mourning the mortality of everyone I love.
• burned myself with tea kettle steam and had to do all my morning chores with salve, bandages and a glove on my right hand. Thanks to Eden Salve my fingers are pink today but barely sore and fully functioning.
• discovered moldy tomatoes (once beautiful garden and farm produce) in the dehydrator that I had forgotten to take care of in all the activity of the weekend.
• washed sheets, towels, underwear. Washed more sheets, towels and underwear.
• helped the kids change the cat litter, again. Have I mentioned I don't like owning a cat, never wanted a cat and made my husband promise I wouldn't have to take care of the cat when I finally agreed to getting a cat 4 years ago. No hard feelings dear, I know how these things go.
• lost patience with my squabbling, attention deprived, going through sugar withdrawal (2 sets of grandparents had just left) youngsters. Thankfully I didn't say "shut up, just go away and leave me alone" but that's what I felt.
• cut hot peppers with my bare hands and later picked my nose (come on, at least I didn't pick and lick). Let's just say hot peppers up the nose hurt.

But I found some solace from the day behind my camera lens. And through my tears and frustrations (because of my them?) captured the beauty of late summer flowers. Both those in my garden and a bouquet I picked from a zinnia plant the wind blew over.

Monday's photography and the beauty it rendered, was a salve for my soul. What's your soul salve on those really bad days?

morning Anenome

morning bee on Armeria (sea thrift)

afternoon Zinnia

I'm tired. Of trying to do everything really well, I can't. I can only do my best and what frustrates the heck out of me is that even my best isn't nearly good enough. Don't tell my kids I said this, I tell them the opposite all the time.

I'm tired of answering to mommy, cooking three homemade vegan gluten-free meals a day, perpetually cleaning the kitchen, loving my neighbors, organizing my home, hanging laundry, reading to my kids (gasp - how terrible is that?), coordinating our buying club, homeschooling, making my own soaps and salves, washing plastic bags, gardening, planning the budget and paying bills, hiking, washing the floor, picking berries, washing berries, freezing berries, washing greens, steaming greens, eating greens.

What I want right now is to write, without distraction and to be a rockin' photographer, long sigh......

I think I need a break from all my expectations. My husband keeps telling me I need to focus. I find that so hard because I love my varied and yet kind of cohesive creative, health-promoting, community-minded, planet-saving, life-beautifying pursuits. Ah, what's a mama to do??

Probably take a break, from which pursuit/obligation/interest I'm not sure. Something's gotta go or sit on the back burner. Which reminds me I have to go check that oil extract for making salve I have simmering on the stove.

Maybe I should run off and join the circus. Maybe I need to spend less time on the computer, ouch. Maybe I need to accept I'm not everything I want to be. Maybe I just need to shut up and go to bed early.

I might take a break from blogging, or a break from picking berries or a break from cooking - ha, I wish! I did promise a post today about nasturtiums. I'm almost done that and will post it soon - someday. In the meantime I will be taking a break from something to try and recharge my batteries and truly appreciate the wonderful life I have.

We're home now after camping 3 nights at Crocker Pond, in the White Mountain National Forest. A rustic and kind of buggy small campground overlooking Crocker Pond and Albany Mountain. A really lovely spot if you've got bug repellent and can boil water for cleaning up.

This past weekend was the first time I've had a really rotten hike. And here are my thoughts about that experience. As written in my 4x3 inch travel notebook while on the trail and later at the campsite. Tomorrow's post will be a little more upbeat.

Not all hikes are lovely.
Not all hikes are awe-inspiring, mountain conquests.

Some are buggy, boggy, bushwacking trials, or trails, of endurance.
Toe-stubbing, foot tripping, leg aching treks.

PMS at all the wrong times.
Lots of sweating and no shower at camp - ugh!

Weary tears of fatigue and frustration.
Unable to discipline myself to reach the summit.
Too tired to care.

So pathetic compared to my seven year old son,
whose energy is boundless and sense of adventure undaunted.

Seven hours of hiking, four hours too many.
Shaky legs, sweaty body, tie-erd feet.

Walk on through, rushing water.
One more creek crossing, end in sight.

My family went to see WALL-E tonight. Since it was a pay-your-own-way family outing I opted out. I have better things to do with my time and money (we all get a little allowance each week).

Like treat myself to a forbidden fluffy-white-bun toasted veggie Italian from the corner pizza shop (with cheese), followed by a butter crunch ice cream cone, at least that was a child's size serving. And because that wasn't enough I'm finishing with a bottle of beer and a bowl of popcorn shared with the cat, yes he eats popcorn.

I'm munching and drinking right now as I type this. Listening to the thunderstorm outside enjoying my evening of solitary indulgences. If we had a tv that works for more than DVDs, I might of even watched that.

Warning: Dad, don't read. For those of you who don't know my Dad, he's the owner of immaculately clean vehicles.

You know it's time to clean the car when there are little wormy things living under your kid's booster seats - Yuck!

I thought I might be obsessed with blogging and photography so I forced myself to take a break. I thought it would be possible to simply enjoy the beauty around me without processing it with my keyboard and and sharing it with my camera.

Couple things I've discovered. 1) Turns out I am obsessed. 2) Half of my joy in beauty is sharing it. So a break, although useful for getting a few household tasks accomplished, was downright painful.

I am past the point of no return so I've decided to simply give myself over to the daily pleasure of creative expression I've found in blogging. Not to mention the self indulgence of expressing opinions and advice no one's asked for.

So, assuming I can (I think I can, I think I can) maintain my responsibilities as a career home maker and home schooler. And still nurture my relationships as partner, mother, lover and friend; I will continue to feed my blogging addiction. Sharing daily or thereabouts snippets of family life, snapshots of everyday beauty, and my random thoughts.

I love blogging about the beauty and blessings in my life. My children, my garden, family hikes, good recipes, good books, the farm, daily struggles and sweet successes, lovely soaps etc... I also like that blogging allows me to get on my soapbox and vent the occasional rant.

But mostly I love sharing the "realness" of life and the beauty (it's my mantra this life season) of my children's creativity, their sparkly blue eyes and funky daily costumes, their spontaneous tickle laughter, the first bloom in my garden, the sharing of hospitality, a spring walk or a rushing mountain stream.

I'm taking a break now to enjoy those things, specifically I am not taking photos or blogging for a period of time. Not sure how long, a week maybe more.

And to be totally honest, I have some other stuff I need to accomplish with my spare time - house financial stuff, correspondence, gardening, planning for spring and summer and just being available for my family without distraction.

I'll be back soon but in the meantime you can check out:

• Just Pure Lovely for lovely homeschooling family life.
• Garden Path for Maine nature photography and poetry.
• Reconcilation for real honest-to-goodness community.
• Fatfree Vegan Kitchen for great recipes and photography.
• ...and I would of posted my sis-in-laws new hyper analytical anti-religion, child-directed guiding and nutrition blog(!) but she's just getting it off the ground.

See ya'll later.