FIMBY

Wrote this post, journal style, 3 days ago on our first day of vacation. Today we have wi-fi access at our campground, in the Maine woods no less. Don't despair, subsequent days improved...

Miserable, am I allowed to feel this way when camping? What about selfish? Miserable and selfish, and this is supposed to be my vacation. Think I'll eat another marshmallow...

I'm an expectation person. Day to day life often doesn't disappoint me but an expectation unfulfilled can frustrate and in this case deeply disappoint.

Up until 3 months ago I hadn't expected to upgrade my camera for another year or so. And even then I wasn't expecting much. Let's see we're a family of five with one modest income (I haven't earned a cent
for 9 years), kids who eat like caterpillars, car repair bills, immigration lawyer fees and a house that's freezing cold 6 months of the year. Oh, and all our family lives in another country. You don't want to know how much international plane tickets cost these days.

Then the government announced it's economic stimulus package. We did the math, 2000 bucks. Wowsers! Maybe we could get those replacement windows afteral so I wouldn't freeze through yet another Maine winter. But then my thoughtful husband suggested we get a new camera, and a nice one, sooner than later. My artist self easily convinced my cold winter self to wear more layers.

Prior to this I had no expectation for photographic greatness anytime soon. And it's that expectation and the subsequent months of camera researching that made today's discovery so heartbreaking. Because Damien has a work visa and I have a dependant visa and therefore no social security number (I will when we're permanent residents) we don't qualify for the stimulus check. Not even Damien and the kids qualify since we file taxes jointly. Of course Damien is a tax paying resident just like any other. Go figure.

All those months of planning, pining and drooling over a beautiful camera that would soon be mine. And dreaming about all the images I could capture and share - gone.

And when do I find this dream shattering news out? 30 minutes before we leave the house for our much anticipated week long summer camping trip. When I decided to investigate why our check still hadn't arrived after yet another week of waiting. We'd expected it would be late because we filed taxes late, but we didn't expect it would be never. Better late than never, ain't that the truth.

Now to add injury to insult I'm beating myself up for being upset. "Yessh, you're so selfish girl. Lots of people in this country, especially this state, can't afford their winter heating bills and you're boohooing about a fancy pants camera. And on top of that this is your vacation, you "should " be enjoying yourself and being a peppy mother, your kids depend on you." Yada, yada.....

Bitter diappointment with a generous serving of guilt. I can think of better ways to start a vacation.

Today I'm tired, very tired. But I'm also thankful for the sun finally shining on our little corner of the world. The first day nice enough this month, August 13th for pete's sake, to go to the beach.

So, I'm sitting at the beach with one eye on my fish and the other on this notebook*. In the warm sunshine, listening to the splashing and laughter I'm able to forget the mess I left behind at home.

We've just had an intense 2 nights and one day visit with three Appalachian Trail thru hikers. A visit that included a potluck supper last night opened up to coworkers, homeschoolers, friends and pretty much any ol' stranger that wanted to come.

This morning Damien drove our new friends back to the trail in the mountains about 1.5 hours from our home. I was left to face my own "mountain" of clean up. Three disheveled guest beds (I'd like to point out we don't actually have a guest room so these beds are located here, there and everywhere in the house), a front porch full of trail debris left behind by smelly backpacks and mounds of dishes and food littered floors from hosting 20 people, half of them rugrats 9 & under, for supper last night. Faced with this daunting reality I did the only sensible thing to do. Left it all and came to the beach.

I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have hosted and met the three hikers who left this morning, they had trail names (an AT thru hikers tradition) so this is what I'll use to describe them.

(Sm)ellie, the quiet, well prepared and easy going woman from Georgia. On her way to grad school (2nd time around) to further her studies in the interconnectedness of anthropology, bio-medicine and computer science(!). Philly, the storytelling cartoonist from Virginia and Kentucky. Also on his way back to school to pursue a playwright and acting career. And of course Vagabond, also known as Daren Wendell, the man walking around the world on the Earth Expedition to raise awareness and funds for the Blood:Water Mission in Africa. A guy who literally owns only the what he is carrying on his back (Myke you would of loved meeting this guy).

What an awesome experience and privilege to host these folks in our home. If you ever have a chance to put up AT thru hikers in your home - do it! I'd do it again in an instant once the fridge was re-stocked and the sheets washed. People who have been hiking 15-20 miles a day for months, sleeping in the rainy woods and eating ramen noodles and potato flakes for days are pleased as punch with whatever hospitality you have to offer. Just make sure to have lots of food on hand. Hot water and laundry soap doesn't hurt either.

Someday when our family is trekking through North American mountains, backpacking across Europe or doing mission work in Costa Rica, carrying our beds and shelter on our backs I hope we'll be able to crash on someone's floor and get a fresh meal. Afterall, as our guests told us "on the trail, hikers take care of hikers". We're all on a journey, a trek through life. Too bad more people don't live by the creed "travelers on this journey of life take care of fellow travelers". What a nicer world that would be.

Show hospitality, share your table and your garden veggies, make up a bed on your floor. Although you'll be providing rest to the weary you'll be the one enriched. Let's take care of fellow pilgrims on this journey of life.

*post written yesterday in my notebook while at the beach.

Today I really enjoyed reading these posts. One by a personal friend on Fear and Possibility. And another on the Me Ra Koh photography blog on art as an act of faith. Funny, just noticed the common thread in these two very different blog posts - having faith.

kid's beet juice painting: with a little tumeric for contrast

I Am an Artist by Pat Lowery Collins

An easy to read (2-3 sentences per page) and simply lovely book about the artist in each of us. Although it's directed towards young children and their innate curiosity and interest in the natural world, I think more adults should read this kind of book.

Do you see the world in an unique way? Then you're an artist. We're all artists. We should let our children and ourselves embrace and explore that.

One more note, I love this book's focus on the natural world and how we see it. You don't need paints, a camera, a sketchpad or fabrics to be an artist. You just need to get out into nature, open your eyes and ears and appreciate.


View all my reviews.

Today's Raspberries: A photo that is somewhat but not necessarily related to the following post.
This morning during my sporadic (some days I'm disciplined, most days I'm not) quiet time I wrote. Mostly prayers of the "please guide me" variety. My last scribbles of the morning were:

The words flowed from my pen, without thought. After I wrote them I was pleasantly surprised with what seemed like a divine answer to my morning's soul searching. It became my updated Tuesday's to-do list.

Lest you think my life is airy fairy and I'm running around arms in air with a free spirit "going with the flow" I should set the record straight. I don't know much about tested personality types, I hate labels, but I'm probably a type A personality. Very task orientated and driven to accomplish. I'm not a work outside the home career woman so this "energy" is channeled into my homemaking. Somedays it seems like homemaking with a vengeance. Hum... maybe that's a better title for this blog.

I'm fairly thick-headed but I'm getting the message of where my heart and home needs to be (contented), how I'm going to achieve my goals (simplify & self-discipline), how to travel this journey (enjoy & embrace) and what needs to over-arch it all (love).

I'm tired. Of trying to do everything really well, I can't. I can only do my best and what frustrates the heck out of me is that even my best isn't nearly good enough. Don't tell my kids I said this, I tell them the opposite all the time.

I'm tired of answering to mommy, cooking three homemade vegan gluten-free meals a day, perpetually cleaning the kitchen, loving my neighbors, organizing my home, hanging laundry, reading to my kids (gasp - how terrible is that?), coordinating our buying club, homeschooling, making my own soaps and salves, washing plastic bags, gardening, planning the budget and paying bills, hiking, washing the floor, picking berries, washing berries, freezing berries, washing greens, steaming greens, eating greens.

What I want right now is to write, without distraction and to be a rockin' photographer, long sigh......

I think I need a break from all my expectations. My husband keeps telling me I need to focus. I find that so hard because I love my varied and yet kind of cohesive creative, health-promoting, community-minded, planet-saving, life-beautifying pursuits. Ah, what's a mama to do??

Probably take a break, from which pursuit/obligation/interest I'm not sure. Something's gotta go or sit on the back burner. Which reminds me I have to go check that oil extract for making salve I have simmering on the stove.

Maybe I should run off and join the circus. Maybe I need to spend less time on the computer, ouch. Maybe I need to accept I'm not everything I want to be. Maybe I just need to shut up and go to bed early.

I might take a break from blogging, or a break from picking berries or a break from cooking - ha, I wish! I did promise a post today about nasturtiums. I'm almost done that and will post it soon - someday. In the meantime I will be taking a break from something to try and recharge my batteries and truly appreciate the wonderful life I have.

I don't think Jesus Christ made life any easier for his followers (although I don't like labels I'm comfortable calling myself a follower of Christ) when he simplified all the law of the Hebrew Scriptures into the two commands to love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself. Simple does not mean easy. Although Christ said his yoke was light, loving others can be downright difficult.

I can't love my own family to the extent they deserve, how on earth can I love my neighbor as myself.

Loving neighbors is difficult on several layers. Firstly, just who exactly is my neighbor? Probably everyone in some context. Wow, that's a lot of people to love. Even if we narrow the definition to let's say the people on our street, in our subdivision, or down the lane the questions don't get any easier. What about the neighbor whose cat digs up your garden and uses it for a litter box or the neighbors who have drunken brawls and hurl insults and probably other stuff at each other behind closed doors?

Putting aside people's behaviors, which are hard enough to overlook when loving them, you still haven't answered the the very basic question of how to love people. People are so suspicious of love. Assuming you can even meet your neighbors in our backyard-private-deck society.

Sometimes I wrestle with these questions. Most often though I shove them to the back of my brain and pray that as I live out my daily life of family and home care I will be sensitive enough to the Spirit to live out the questions and find answers in the living, not just the seeking.

And then sometimes an answer comes, straight forward and simple. In a still small voice, or a quiet thought if you will, cut flowers from your garden and deliver bouquets to different neighbors each week. Hey, I can do that! That's easy and fun. I LOVE my garden, I LOVE my flowers and I LOVE sharing them. So, that's what I'm going to do.

Our first delivery last week week included a Laurent original sketch of an elephant as well. And in the words of our neighbor "we made (her) day". Well, that's cool because giving those flowers made my day too.

My mom gave me a copy of this poem years ago when our 9 year old was still a baby. I love this poem and it has given me perspective when I've badly needed it and also been a reminder that I'm doing a good job.

I had hoped to post it on Mother's Day but I didn't have permission yet from the author. She is a friend from my growing up days, only then she was the mother of young children and I was a kid growing up, not terribly interested in mothering matters. Thanks Nancy for sharing your struggles to help encourage us.

Nancy Fowler Christenson ©2000

If forwarding or printing this poem, please include copyright & website info. To view other works by the author, visit www.cowgirlstory.com

I think the mental gymnastics of the past couple weeks is over. The period of spring transition, any transition really, predictably hits me with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy as well as general overwhelm-ment (not a word but suits my purposes) with life. Problem is I forget that I go through this every single year until it's over and I remember "oh yeah, this happened last year".

As spring collides with summer my expectations for what I can accomplish are usually unrealistic. I scramble around trying to meet my goals for last season while jumping into next season's routines and rhythms.

Sometime this weekend (maybe Saturday's hike really did help) I dropped expectations, cleared my mind and my weekly planner. And a funny thing happened, I got an amazing amount accomplished today, including loving on my kids and neighbors. Best of all my mind was uncluttered.

I'm sure the intoxicating smell of my kitchen table lilac bouquet helped.

The journey had a difficult start. A challenging conversation in the car with my best friend about our purpose - loving and serving others, and how to do that - simplifying our lives. Ouch.

My current creative pursuits and general spring time busy-ness hasn't left a lot of time for service, outside of my family (and I don't even do them justice some days) or simplicity. My mind is often in one hundred places in a single moment.

Yesterday's hike up Speckled Mountain didn't solve any of my mental, creative or spiritual quandaries but it gave reprieve and a view of something other than my unfinished garden beds.